In the past, I have re-posted a blog from when I first moved to China. I have decided to do that again today because this post provides some history I feel is important to know for future blog posts. I was living in Shantou, China at the time that I wrote this. The year was 2013. Ben, who is now my husband, and I were dating at the time.
Who Wouldn’t Want to Be Me
I feel a little stifled. I feel a little like I can’t breathe. I’m not sure why someone would get this feeling from being outright rejected because of their race, but it’s the way I feel.
So, Ben told his parents about us. He told them how I was learning Mandarin, so I could talk to them (no need to fear a daughter-in-law they cannot communicate with). He told them that I was willing to move to Shanghai to be closer to him, and he could then stay close to his parents (I’m not taking him back to the U.S.). He told them that I was considerate about money (no apartment? No car? No problem). I’m not so sure why he told them so much at one time, but he essentially told them that I was awesome, and they said,
“The black girl?”
The long and short of it was that they do not approve of our relationship for three reasons:
People would judge him (and perhaps his family) negatively [because I’m black].
If we got married and had kids, they would be bullied in school [because s/he’s half black].
Hi parents don’t know if they could deal with the neighbors gossiping about them [because I’m black].
So, they want him to break up with me immediately and find himself a nice Chinese girl. They told him to be realistic; this is China, not the United States. As if we could forget…
Ben told me “it’s nothing personal. It’s just the way they grew up.” Blame society. Right? I couldn’t help but laugh sadly. You know, it is personal. I am the one they are rejecting right now, not anybody else, and purely on the basis of the amount of melanin in my skin. I think that’s the hardest part. I had imagined in my head meeting his parents and making some cultural faux pas that would cause them to determine I was unsuitable for their son (because no woman is), but they won’t even meet me.
They won’t even meet me.
Now Ben is in a difficult situation. You have to consider his actions from a Chinese perspective more than a Western one. In that, people from Western societies might value being “upfront,” and they think it is a good thing to face a conflict head on. You know, “face your fears!” However, in Chinese and Japanese societies, for example, group harmony is emphasized more, especially among the older generation. So, people might try to avoid conflict for the sake of the group. Neither approach is better than the other, though of course, people from different cultures tend to think their way is better. I’m mentioning this in an attempt to keep you from judging Ben negatively.
Ben, at this point, cannot directly oppose his parents. The part of him that has lived five years in the United States wants to tell them, “it’s my life; it’s my decision,” but the part of him that spent twenty-four years living in China knows better than to do that. So, he has no plans to do as his parents’ suggested, but he hasn’t told them that yet either. At this point, we just have to wait them out. On the bright side, if we were to get married but his parents stand firm in their disapproval, we won’t have to pay for the Chinese wedding since they won’t come. Cha-ching! Money saved!
But all joking aside…
Ben has a rebel nature. When he became Christian, his parents strongly objected. He did it anyway. When he wanted to go on a missionary trip to Turkey, his parents strongly objected. He went anyway. When he started dating a black girl, his parents strongly objected. He’s still with me anyway. ^_^
Now, moving to the larger issue.
I was watching a video the other day, and the speaker said that there’s a difference between tolerance and acceptance. I think the problem in our society is that we teach tolerance and not acceptance. Tolerance, this speaker explained, means “to put up with; the capacity to endure continued subjection to something,” while acceptance means “to regard as proper, normal or inevitable; to recognize to be true.”
When I look in the mirror, I think I’m beautiful. I do. I’m not ashamed of this because I’ve spent so many years of my life thinking that I’m not pretty because my hair is not straight; my eyes are not an “interesting” color like blue or green or hazel; my skin is far from perfect; my legs aren’t long; my breasts aren’t big; and the list goes on. I also get the sense, that in a way, the people in China also think I (and my unusual hair style) are also beautiful. Mostly I think this because many women here will say: “好看.”Would these women, however, let me marry any eligible son they might have? Probably not. Suddenly the very things that make me “好看” also make me “不合适” (unsuitable). I think this is the difference between tolerance and acceptance that I must deal with every day and with Ben’s parents. They were okay, not happy but okay, with our dating. It was talk of marriage that was simply unacceptable.I am tolerable as a strange, alien creature. They will do nothing to harm me, but they will not accept me as “proper” or “normal” (or human?).
So, I’m in an awkward position now too. Ben would like me to accept his parents, who do not accept me. Since they are his parents, I must accept them and forgive them their prejudices. At least, so society tells me. Society marginalizes me and then tells me to accept it, to regard it as proper, normal and inevitable. I mean, I did expect them to disapprove, and they did. So, now I should be the “bigger” person and just accept their disapproval. Just forgive them their prejudice.
Well, I hesitate to do this for one important reason. I don’t want to accept or “regard as proper, normal, inevitable, or true” that I am somehow inadequate due to the color of my skin.
I wonder to what extent we “tolerate” as opposed to “accept” those who are different in our society. But most importantly, I wonder if “tolerating” will be enough to create the change most people claim they want to see in the world. I have my doubts that it will be enough.
Whatever other’s may decide, I’m going to practice acceptance, beginning with me. I’m strong. I’m beautiful. I’m educated and debt free. I’m loved, and I’m blessed. Who wouldn’t want to be me?
________________________________________
Over a year after writing this blog post, Ben’s parents finally agreed to me. They were apologetic for their behavior and told me so. As soon as my second visit, they said that I was like a daughter to them now. I need not be “客气” (polite) with them. You can read about how I met his parents here. That being said, these issues of race have never been fully put to rest, and they have resurfaced for me as we prepare to welcome that grandchild mentioned in the second point of my post above.
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