So, after months of acupuncture and TCM, I was feeling better. I started taking the bus to work again. I had less pain during my period and ovulation. Also, Ben and I decided to start trying to have a child. I was very excited! It just so happened that my fertile window during our first month trying would be on our family trip to Jamaica in July. It was our ideal to have a child conceived in Jamaica and born in China. Just thinking about it still makes me smile.
However, trying to make a baby during a family vacation is hard I have to say. Brother, “We were thinking of heading down to the beach after we put our stuff away.” Me, “Uh, Ben and I were thinking of taking a nap. We’re, uh, very tired. You know, we’re still jet lagged.”
Unfortunately, despite all our “napping,” we did not get pregnant that month, or the month after that one. Or the month after that one. After three months of trying, Ben and I decided to have some testing done to make sure everything seemed okay. I had the HyCoSy instead of the traditional HSG to avoid any extra radiation while checking the condition of my fallopian tubes. All the tests came back normal. Ben had the male tests done too, and his results were so good, he still brags about it any chance he gets. Here’s something I wrote after getting our test results:
I’m so happy to learn that both Ben and I seem to be quite healthy. He has a very good sperm count with good motility, and I don’t have blocked tubes or anything. Of course there are still things I’m thinking about. First, I need to go back on Thursday to make sure that the egg / follicle is developing well. Then, if Ben and I are so healthy, why haven’t we been successful yet? Is it a matter of stress? Working too hard at work? Working too hard at getting pregnant? Is it just a matter of time? It hasn’t been 6 months yet. Let’s wait and see! Let’s pray I am one of the women who gets pregnant the next cycle after this test! I think the most important thing is to remain grateful for every bit of good news that we get. Do not focus so much on the lingering questions for now. Very excited! Hoping that we have our rainbow baby soon. 🙂
To add some context, many women report that they get pregnant after the HyCoSy because the use of the contrasting agent in the imaging tends to make a nice clear path for the sperm to follow to the egg.
The gynecologists looked at our test results and said that it had only been three months. If anything, I wasn’t pregnant yet because I was too anxious to get pregnant. In any case, they would observe the development of my follicles to make sure everything was okay in that regard too. This was the first time I had ever heard the word “follicle.” Apparently, each month your ovaries develop around 20 follicles. They are all competing to be that one follicle that releases an egg. When you ovulate, you have a surge in LH, the lutenizing hormone, that prompts the follicle to release an egg. Of course, if you happen to release more than one egg, you could end up with twins or more!
After going to have my follicles checked 4 times in total, once every other day, I learned that none of my follicles released an egg from the person doing the ultrasound. I wasn’t quite clear about what happened. Something about the follicle that was developing well suddenly just shrank. I went to go see the gynecologist about it. I waited for the doctor in the waiting room. Then another woman came and went directly into the doctor’s office. The doctor politely told her to hang on a sec as I was next.
I was happy that she decided to talk to me first since I had been waiting. However, if I had known she would spend only 30 seconds with me before getting back to the other woman, I would have let that woman go first. Essentially, the doctor looked at the results and said, “You didn’t ovulate this month. It seems there is a problem. I’ll give you a trigger shot next month.” She then handed me my file, and I was obviously dismissed by her manner and head nod.
I was devastated. “I guess there is a problem?” So, Ben and I have absolutely no chance of getting pregnant this month? No egg. No baby. What happened to everything was fine? What happened to I was just being anxious? Why did I not ovulate? Could she not have offered at least a few ideas or given me a few minutes to ask questions I might have? I went from devastated to furious very quickly. I just could not believe the careless way she just shattered my hopes for the month and dismissed me.
I didn’t go back the following month.
Anyone who has tried to conceive knows the hope that goes with it. Until you reach day 2 or 3 of your period, you are still hoping beyond hope that this is “your month.” In truth, even though I had been told I didn’t release an egg, I still hoped that they had missed something. Maybe the follicle had gone from big to small because it had already released the egg or something. Even so, my more logical self knew I didn’t ovulate that month, and it left me with two main questions. Did I ovulate last month or the one before that? Will I ovulate next month?
I had Ben buy those ovulation predictor kits online, and I started using those as we tried to conceive. I didn’t do any more testing though. I was quite over talking to doctors after that last experience. It was either, “It’s all in your head. Relax. Nothing is wrong.” Or, “Something is wrong,” with no further explanation.
This happened in October. Ben and I continued trying to conceive in November, December, January, February, and March. All with no luck. My period came every month like clockwork, except December. In December, it was late by a day. My period is almost never late. Maybe a day early, but so very rarely late. I thought this was the month! I thought we had finally done it! What an excellent birthday present! I am a December baby, and I could imagine telling Ben on Christmas day that he was going to be a father.
However, my period started the next day, and I wept.
I didn’t feel like getting out of bed. That scared me. It was the first time in my life I had some clear sense of what depression feels like. I talked to Ben about it. I knew it wasn’t a good idea to keep these things bottled up. We decided to try for another three months. If we had no luck by that point, we would go back to see a doctor.
**The featured image is from our family vacation in Jamaica. It’s me capturing the light of the sun on the last morning of our trip.
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