I started my March blog a different way initially. I started by stating why this post came so late (now it’s actually April). It relates to the invasion of Ukraine and how writing about myself and how I was doing seemed trivial, insensitive even. The reason I’m not starting this blog the same way is that it slowly devolved into an enraged rant about how the world already had enough problems, so why would we add more?
I know the sentiment is shared. I know the rage is shared. I know no one wins. So, I’m going to save you that particular rant.
Then at the middle of the month, I had a bit of a battle myself with two of five group members I was supposed to be working with on a competition proposal for a course. I’ve been practicing setting boundaries and holding people accountable, and when after 2 months of time, with only 6 days left to the proposal deadline, it was discovered that two of our group members had nothing—not an incomplete draft, but absolutely nothing—to show us, we asked them respectfully to hold themselves accountable and withdraw from the competition or submit a proposal on their own.
Six days before the proposal due date, I felt that these two members, having nothing to show, could not make any meaningful contribution to project in just a few days. However, I did not judge them in anyway. I wasn’t upset with them. This type of thing happens all the time. People sign up for things and then realize they don’t have the time to do it. In fact, by this point in the competition, three teams had already withdrawn. So, I had thought our team members would respect why we felt this way and hold themselves accountable.
After initial statements, like “I don’t disagree with anything you’re saying, it’s just that our feelings were hurt,” they went into fight mode. I suppose having no work of their own to show, made claim to the work I and my other two members had done. They claimed what we had produced was only possible because of what we had brainstormed as a group.
So, two days before the proposal due date, I had to deal with a lot of meetings and three serious accusations of academic misconduct. And while I know what is my work and that I give credit where it is due, I was still amazed at just how far they would go for 5 ECTS and fear of a bad grade. It says so much to me that they did not even realize the course was pass / fail.
Did you see the video of Will Smith slapping Chris Rock because he made a joke about his wife? I hope you missed it. I didn’t. We all do this. We go into fight mode, and we do and say things that once we pass that moment, we aren’t proud of. Self-righteous anger fills us, and we feel that whatever action we take is just and necessary. Super-rich, talented, intelligent movie stars do it, and I do to. We can cause a lot of harm in this way, not just to others but also to ourselves.
I think these team members went into fight mode because they got it in their mind that these 5 ECTS were a life-or-death matter, and they were willing to say anything to make sure that they got a good grade—not that there is a grade for this course. To add further insult to injury, their accusations meant that we would either have to put their names on the proposal or all be kicked out of the competition because my other team members and I couldn’t participate while we were under investigation for academic misconduct. In addition, in the few days that had passed, the two team members had finally produced a few pages of text, and they demanded that we include that in our report too.
I found this ironic. I can’t hand in the proposal without their names on it because it’s also their work. I also can’t hand in the proposal without their last-minute work included because their names are on it.
I was willing to be kicked out of the competition and go the academic investigation route because God knows while I can understand that these two people were in fight mode and not thinking clearly when they sat in that meeting and exaggerated how much they contributed, I also have a lot of self-righteous anger, and I was ready and willing to prove that every sentence I wrote was appropriately cited and credit was given where it was due. None was due to them.
However, one of my team members really wanted to pitch the project, and he felt it was more unfair to not be able to present the idea than to put their names on our work. I’ve grown up enough to let my self-righteous anger go at least to the extent that I can support him because he’s my friend and because he made the largest contribution to the whole project.
But it was tough. I woke up most mornings in the days and weeks that followed angry and had to spend time working through it, so I didn’t stay angry all day. They crossed a line. Yes, they were in fight mode. But they also crossed a line.
So, you can imagine that much of the middle of March was also filled with rage. Anger at the boundaries that had been crossed and continued rage about the ways in which humanity just keeps blowing things up even though we are all going to die soon enough anyway. We will all die. I guarantee you this. No need to rush things along. It will come.
But if you’ve read this far, past all the anger, you’re in for some good news. Life is a series of ups and downs. It’s a series of good news and bad news and neutral news. And the good news? On the very same day that I was being accused of academic misconduct, I was also offered the opportunity to work as a summer research intern at my university. And this was the light that kept me afloat amidst all the ugliness.
Because while so much was going wrong, someone looked at my CV and cover letter and said, “I want to work with this person.” In fact, I would say that the head of this laboratory had a vision for me. It feels really validating because I think what happened was that he looked at my past experiences, saw transferable skills, and was willing to take a risk on the fact that my technical skills were just barely budding. It’s intimidating because I don’t want to let my team down. They believe I can make a valuable contribution to team, and I very much want to show them that they are right for taking a risk on me.
But the major reason why this is so amazing to me is that I’ll be engaging in graduate level work. The people I’ll be working with are primarily at the PhD/postdoc-level or above. During the 1.5-hour interview in which I talked for maybe 15 minutes, one moment I found interesting was the uncertainty about how hiring worked when it came to a bachelor’s student because they had only hired one or two in the past. I just didn’t expect to be able to do this kind of research after only my first year. Also, given recent experiences with team members, I loved hearing how hardworking this team was. They were the kind of people who went the extra mile, and I was like—ah, my kinfolk!
Of course, I’m also nervous about that part. I am, after all, a recovering overachiever. I’m trying to live my life from a place of ease instead of pressure. And the person on that CV was mostly pre-Mom Maxi, and I’m a different person now. Of course, that’s not in a bad way, but my Mom job is very demanding, and it definitely impacts how much I can do in other arenas of my life.
The highlight of the month was definitely a visit from one of my wonderful friends and previous colleagues Jennifer. To give you a sense of the friend level here: she helped to plan my baby shower. So, I mean, she is a really good friend. And being able to see her right after this whole proposal thing was just perfect timing. It was exactly what the doctor ordered. She came to Finland for work, but was able to carve out a few hours with us on Saturday and Sunday that weekend so we could catch up. I can't express how wonderful it was to see a member of my community in-person. I hugged her a lot.
The other bit of good news is that we did pitch the proposal at the end of March, and we were given an Honorary Award (kind of like 4th place). It felt amazing. They didn’t have to recognize our work at all. They could have just awarded a first through third place, but they chose to acknowledge the quality of the proposal and pitch we did (despite all the drama with our team). This led a picture with the mayor of the city!
Overall, I’m glad my one team member decided it was best to pitch the proposal. He was right. It was a marvelous day, and we met a lot of really smart people, and I learned so much. I got to see what can be accomplished when you have five team members and not just five names on a proposal. I felt inspired.
This reminded me of a story my aunt told me once many years ago. She mentioned that she used to work a job that she loved, but then she had one coworker who was really unpleasant. And deciding eventually that she’d had enough, she found a new job. Only a short time into her new job, that unpleasant coworker left her previous company. And she told me, “Never let anyone take something that you love from you.” She had left a job she loved because of an unpleasant coworker, and now that person was no longer an issue, but she was in a new job that wasn’t as great.
If not for my one team member, I would have let these two other people steal the recognition our team ultimately received. I would have missed the opportunity to present my work and meet with likeminded people. I would have missed a really good day. And it was a really good day.
So, now it’s April, and it’s becoming ever more obvious that I am almost at the end of my first academic year in my program. The program is three years total. So, I’m almost one third of the way there! Can you believe it? Having made it this far gives me the confidence that I can excel at this summer internship and in the rest of the program and on to the master’s degree.
It also seems that my first academic year here will end before winter does. We will definitely have a white Easter, and it’s looking very likely that we’ll have a white Mother’s Day too. With several feet of snow on the ground, I’m just not sure it will all melt in the next month. I guess we’ll see.
*Photos from the last month
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