After a miscarriage, it can be hard to know when to announce to people that you are pregnant—again. The first time I announced to the people in my department at just a little over 6 weeks. I then went on to miscarry at almost 9 weeks. I also made the mistake of telling the shuttle bus driver who had been taking me to and from work for three years that I was pregnant that first time.
Why did I tell him?
Well, human beings make mistakes. They just do. It was also partially because I had been listening to him tell me for three years that I should go ahead and have a child. After all, Ben and I weren’t getting any younger, nor were his parents. When Ben and I were actively trying to get pregnant with no success, you can imagine how torturous such conversations were. So, when I thought I had finally done it, I let it slip that I was pregnant.
I regretted it immediately, and I would go on to regret it in the months to come.
First, all the canteen staff started looking at my stomach with great interest, even asking directly and on more than one occasion at the cash register if I was pregnant. They started asking Ben the same question. We would both respond in a “What are you talking about? I’m/She’s not pregnant!” tone and claim that I was not.
Then one day when I was walking down the hallway my 9:00 am class, a colleague stopped me to congratulate me on the good news. I was only about 6 or 7 weeks pregnant at the time, and I had not told this colleague about my pregnancy myself. So, my first response was genuine confusion. What good news? Then it sunk in that the driver had told this colleague, who also normally took the shuttle bus as well, about my pregnancy. I had asked the driver to keep this information to himself, but I should have known better.
I went on to have an awkward, stilted conversation in a very public setting where I denied everything before rushing off to class. My colleague looked disappointed and upset because he knew I was lying to him, and he probably wanted to know why I felt more comfortable confiding in the bus driver than him. I had to send individual messages later on WeChat to try to explain the situation.
You can imagine my irritation at this. My pregnancy was being discussed without my consent in public settings, and I was the one having to smooth things over.
My next regret came after the miscarriage when I was finally back at work. I was having dinner in the cafeteria with Ben. I do not remember how the driver came to join us, but he made a comment about how I needed to eat more. I was, after all, now eating for two. I said nothing in response. Fortunately, Ben was there to do the explaining as I became choked up on the fact that I was only eating for one.
Two months after the miscarriage, the regrets were still coming when another lady who takes the shuttle congratulated me on the good news. This was before I was pregnant again, not that it would have mattered. I was still having to tell people that I never told about being pregnant that I had miscarried.
So, when I became pregnant again, whom would I tell? Obviously, I would not tell the bus driver, but would I confide in my colleagues before I reached the three-month mark?
I didn’t want to, but morning sickness took the option away when it came to people I would be working closely with. There was no way I could make excuses for being consistently sick for six weeks. Also, if I needed to have classes covered, then it was easier to explain. So, I wrote an email to the people in my department about the “potential” good news, potential here meaning if this pregnancy actually ended with a baby.
Don also suggested I consider telling my students, but I ultimately decided to wait until after the three-month mark to do that.
I also told a couple other people close to me that I wanted to make sure heard it from me first. Other than that, I tried to keep the news under wraps until the end of the first trimester. It wasn’t because that was the tradition so much as I wasn’t in the mood to talk about it while that sick. It was hard to be excited about something that felt like a virus wreaking havoc on your system. I could imagine telling someone and them hugging me excitedly in response, and me being like, “Don’t hug me too tightly, I might puke.”
Keeping things under wraps didn’t always work out though. People who knew sometimes asked me about it in front of people I had not yet confided in. In one particularly startling case, I had a meeting with a job candidate who after sitting down in my office asked, “So, when is the baby due?” Throughout our 30-minute one-on-one session, she repeatedly commented on how tired I looked. Actually, I was feeling just fine that afternoon. I thought I looked okay, maybe not great, but I felt like I looked haggard after our talk.
I think what happened was that we were scheduled to meet at 3:00pm. I had another meeting down the hall from 2:00 – 3:00. I left that meeting at 2:55pm to be back at my office before the next meeting, but the candidate and her intern chaperone were already waiting by my office door. (Note, my previous meeting was located less than one minute away from my office). So, even though I’m still a few minutes early, I think the intern—and this is just my best guess—decided to explain my “lateness” by telling the job candidate I was pregnant.
When I went to open my office door to let her into my room, she said, “Oh, you must be so tired!” After sitting down, she inquired about my due date, something I had not actually been given yet. I was only about 9 weeks at the time. The dating scan normally happens around 12 weeks. More importantly, I did not know this person and was not interested in discussing my pregnancy with her. In that first trimester I just wanted to say, if I don’t bring it up, you don’t bring it up. I was too sick to be excited to talk about it, and I didn’t feel like repeatedly commenting on how I was still throwing up on a regular basis.
Why yes, I still feel awful. And you?
But I knew people were coming from a good place, and I knew it was easier for them to be excited about the pregnancy since they didn’t have to deal with the symptoms. I knew I was the grump.
When I did finally make my announcement, many people were surprised to hear it, which made me feel really good.
I, after all, did want to be the one to share the good news.
**The featured image is of our pregnancy announcement, which we posted in the university’s WeChat group. I’ve also put it in the blog post below since it is cut off in the feature. Can you find the due date?
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