It's the first week of 2024, and I thought I would set some intentions. These are not resolutions or even goals I plan to assess at the end of the year (not that anything is wrong with that). It's more about reconnecting with my values and being more intentional about how I use my limited time on this planet.
In early 2022, I came up with the acronym S'MORE for thinking about myself and time in a more wholistic way and not just in terms of titles (e.g., student or teacher). S'MORE stands for Self-care/Socializing, Motherhood, Organization, Relationship, and Education. I thought it would be helpful to think of my intentions in these five realms.
Self-care/Socializing
This year I learned to what extent I was willing to completely disregard my own health and well-being in an attempt to care for others. In particular, my efforts to address the puppy's reactivity issues completely drained me. In response to the constant demand on my body, cognitive function, and patience, I consumed more TV shows on Netflix than I could count and played hundreds of stages of Candy Crush-like games. Nothing is wrong with such behavior unless it's an attempt to escape from the reality of one's life: the exhaustion, the stress, the frustration, the dissatisfaction, and the occasional feeling of boredom. For me, it was a way to disassociate.
In 2024, I am setting the intention to consume less. I want to sit with the discomfort of boredom, the craving to escape into a made-up world, and the resistance to experiences that are happening in the present moment. I will just sit with it, notice the urge to find a screen to escape, and then see what happens next. I am setting the intention to avoid dulling the pain and clinging to feelings of happiness. Brené Brown has found from years of research that "You can't numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects, our emotions. You cannot selectively numb. So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness."
I am setting the intention to get more comfortable being with whatever is happening.
Beyond this, I am setting the intention to live in and honor my body. I mostly live in my head, caught up in thoughts and stories. My job also mostly involves brain work, so I can completely forget that I have a body beyond the fingers I use to type and eyes to see. This year, I will primarily focus on my back, which will need a compassionate but firm commitment if it is ever to fully heal.
Motherhood
This year I was able to spend my birthday, Christmas, and New Year's with family for the first time in eight years! Of course, I came to visit my family with Alaya, and spending everyday with her (no daycare) for the past few weeks, I was able to connect patterns of behavior that was related to sensory processing needs. In particular, Alaya seems to have proprioception issues that make getting her dressed or comfortable in a car seat abnormally difficult. In fact, she sounds a lot like this girl. Buying clothes for her has been frustrating to say the least, but knowing more about the type of sensory needs she has given me some leads.
For instance, she is wearing a leotard as I write this because the clothes are tight against her body. I also start off each morning recently with a long hug session on the couch. Alaya needs the contact. I like to think of the sessions as charging her batteries. It's a great way for me to start the day too. I don't know how possible this will be when I'm back to the work-daycare schedule, but I will still try because I know now that these are needs. Just like I offer her food and drink in the morning, she also needs squeezes at just the right pressure to help regulate her body and feelings\.
Given what I've learned the last few weeks about Alaya's needs, I have a new found respect for holidays. It's my intention this year to keep Alaya home more during vacations even if we are not traveling anywhere so we can get to know each other better. This past year, I sent her to daycare most of the summer holiday. I did send her for fewer hours, but she still went daily during the work week. I plan to change that this year. She's changing all the time, and even though it can be tiring and I will need breaks too, this prolonged time together that happens during holidays can give me insights into her behavior that make our everyday just a bit easier and more loving because we better understand each other.
Organization
Organization encompasses elements of life, such as the laundry or making sure bills are paid on time. As Bochuan and I just bought a home, the amount of time (and money) we'll spend on setting up our home in 2024 will likely exceed that of future years. Even so, I am setting the intention to be more mindful about my fiscal consumption this year and decrease expenses wherever possible.
Relationship
In 2023, Bochuan and I worked more consciously on our relationship than we had in any prior year. We had a couple of counseling sessions with a professional, we began to have day dates once a month, and just began talking more honestly about our needs. Since Alaya has been born, so many transitions have occurred in our lives, and our relationship has often taken a back seat to those changes. I'm setting the intention this year to continue working on our relationship, to make it stronger and more vibrant.
Education
While I am no longer a student a LUT, I am still a teacher. So, the "Education" category still works as all teachers are also students. I also happen to be completing a Mindfulness Meditation Teacher Certification Program, so I am still a student learning to teach meditation. This year, I will be completing two practicum courses, and I am very excited to share mindfulness practices with others.
My intention in this area is to give myself time to learn instead of trying to get it "right" or "perfect" from the beginning (or ever). It's my intention to teach from my heart, from a sense of connection and belonging, from a place of compassion. I may say something wrong, I may offend someone, and I may overlook something important. And what's important is how I respond to that. My intention is to respond in a way that minimizes further harm, promotes healing, and creates connection.
December 2023
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