“Paying yourself first” is a financial technique that encourages saving and investing by setting aside money for one’s financial goals first (i.e., right after being paid) and then using what’s left for living expenses. This is in contrast to saving whatever is leftover at the end of the month, which may not be anything at all.
However, this technique has also been applied to time management. Instead of doing the thing that you want (e.g., a hobby, personal project, meditating, getting more sleep) after you’ve finished all the “necessary” tasks for the day, you do it first (or as soon as is feasible for you). One of the reasons for this strategy is the recognition that there are always more important tasks to do in a day than there is time to do them. This also applies on the weekly, monthly, or yearly scale as well. Sometimes we have the idea that we’ll just get X work task done this week, and next week, we’ll have time to relax, read that book, catch up with friends, etc. However, next week brings with it many more work, family, and other obligations that eat up the time that we were planning to use to finally go swimming, watch that movie, or start writing the blog for that month.
Sometimes it’s useful to have the “it’s just this week/month/year, and things will get easier” perspective. For example, I think this idea helped me get through my first year as a mom. It helped to know that Alaya wasn’t always going to breastfeed 12 times a day; she’d eventually sleep through the night; and at some point, she’d no longer need diapers. It helped to know that those first few years were going to be the toughest, and it would get easier. I even learned to cherish that time. She wasn’t going to always need me so much, so let me be there for those moments when she did.
But it’s not been helpful with a puppy, and I think, upon reflection, it wasn’t that helpful with Alaya either. Before Alaya and Bochuan left for China on April 13th to visit his parents, Alaya still did not sleep through the night, still breastfed (sometimes 12 times in a day), and still used diapers. All of these beyond the points in time I thought they would be a non-issue. Afterall, she’ll be four in just a few months. If I had said to myself shortly after she was born, it’s just another four years, would I have found comfort in it? Maybe. Maybe not. I think what really helped was being what was. This is how parenting is right now. It wasn’t living for some future point in time.
I guess my point is, the goal post keeps moving. If I keep living for the time when things will get “easier,” I’ll never live my life at all. I’ll never get around to doing the things that I enjoy. I’ll just keep waiting for the time to be right. But the only time I ever have is now.
So, I’m paying myself first.
On Being “Behind”
That’s what I’m doing as I write this blog. I feel behind on work, and I put “feel” here because being ahead or behind is really just a concept we make up in our head based on where we believe we should be, how much we believe we should have accomplished, and so on. Oliver Burkeman, author of the book I so love, Four thousand weeks: Time management for mortals, recently wrote here:
Apparently I struck a chord on Twitter the other day when I observed that many people (by which I meant me) seem to feel as if they start off each morning in a kind of "productivity debt", which they must struggle to pay off through the day, in hopes of reaching a zero balance by the time evening comes.
This encapsulates how I feel every morning when I wake up. Despite believing that I should be spending every spare moment I have giving feedback on bachelor’s and master’s theses, I am writing this blog.
How did I fall so “behind”? You remember that herniated disc I mentioned that landed me in the hospital for three days in September? Well, it put me back in the hospital at the beginning of April, after three weeks of increasing pain and symptoms (note: hernia symptoms should get better with time, not worse). I was back to taking the maximum amount of acetaminophen and ibuprofen one can take in a day. Bochuan had assumed complete responsibility for the puppy care because I didn’t dare take him out for a walk. I told Alaya I couldn’t pick her up. Once I was in a lot of pain, and she said, “Are you in pain?” and she came over and gave me a kiss to make me feel better. It was the highlight of the experience.
This second trip to the hospital revealed that my herniated disc is healing, and the recent symptoms may be the result of a secondary herniation in the same disc. In this case, though, surgery was not recommended because the pain is primarily in my back and not my leg. Apparently, surgery on a herniated disc mostly improves pain in the leg not the back. I suppose it makes sense. If one’s back hurts, perhaps it’s best not to cut it open.
Anyway, weeks of pain made it difficult to do more than a few hours of work per day, and I got into that survival mode of “what has to get done today? The rest will have to wait.” But now I have a pile of papers to give feedback to that only occasionally increases. And did I take sick leave? Kind of. There were those two days I had to be in the hospital. That was it though. I didn’t ask for any further accommodations. Why? I’m terrible at asking for help, and somehow the finding that my back was actually healing kind of made me feel like I was “faking it.” Is that rationale? Of course not. Does consciously being aware of this improve my ability to ask for help and take the sick leave I’m entitled to? No, but maybe one day.
The deep-seated belief that I should be able to handle my full workload no matter what is happening with my body is, well, deep-seated. So, instead of letting go, being kind to myself, and allowing someone else to share the burden beyond the tasks of those two days, I am trying to “catch-up.”
I’m sure it’ll be okay. My job is really flexible, and I’m utilizing that to get the work done, though belatedly, so I don’t have to burden anyone else. It’ll be okay. I’m internally laughing as I write this. It’ll be okay. Who am I trying to convince?
But about my back, I’m going to physiotherapy once a week. I’m doing exercises at home 2-3 times a week, and I am getting better. I don’t need pain meds most days. My at-home office setup also allows me to move easily from sitting to standing, and my ergonomic keyboard, mouse, and standing mat supports my wrists and other joints. I’ll be okay.
On Slowing Down Time
But this is definitely one of the longest years of my life. I know this because I keep saying to myself, is the puppy only 7 months old? Only 8 months old? How is it possible? It feels like he should be at least two years old by now.
If you feel like your life is flashing by, did you know that there were things you could do to “slow it down?” One would be getting a puppy, but I don’t recommend that at all. You can also learn a new skill or simply do anything new. One of the reasons why the years seemed to move by so slowly when we were children was simply because we were learning so much new information. As adults, we don’t perceive as much about our world as being new. Mind you, in reality, every moment is new. However, it takes effort to orient ourselves to seeing the world in this way. One way to do this is by actively trying to learn something new on a regular basis or picking up a new challenge instead of going for things that are already in our wheelhouse. For example, for someone who is a dancer, time won’t seem to slow down as much when learning a new style as it might for someone who thinks they will never be a good dancer. For this person, trying to learn a style of dance will be quite the challenge and slow the sense of passing time.
A puppy is a significant challenge for me, so time seems to have slowed down. It has slowed so much more so than being a new mother to Alaya had slowed time. But perhaps that’s because I’m also new to this country, this language, this culture, this job, this city, and so much more. But more on educating Miska will come in a separate post.
On Finding Sanity Now
Right now, I’m trying not to live for the future, for when the semester is over, the puppy is older, or this digital stack of papers have been returned the students with highlights and track changes. Again, this idea comes from a email newsletter I get from Oliver Burkeman, where he writes, “striving toward sanity never works. You have to operate from sanity instead.”
I’m trying to live my life from a place of sanity now. I’m going to make sure I am fed and rested. I am going to do a few things that energize instead of drain me. And I will just chip slowly away at the pile of work that never ends. And every single day, I will take some leisurely time to listen to a book, watch a movie, take a nap, do absolutely nothing (which is really, really hard), and just, you know, enjoy "this one wild and precious life."
Recent photos, including a few from Bochuan and Alaya's adventures in China.
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