The week before I found out I was pregnant, I was still complaining about symptoms of menopause, including hot flashes. I was worried that going from menopausal to pregnant would affect the embryo. Was the Zoladex still in my system? Would it affect the developing baby? The information I read online would suggest that you don’t want Zoladex in your system during a pregnancy. However, I also saw one-off stories from women on discussion boards who found out they were pregnant while still taking Zoladex, and they were fine. I, at least, had not been given the drug in two months.
I messaged Dr. Jane about the pregnancy, and she was very happy for me. I mentioned that my period never came back before I got pregnant, and she said, “Even better! It proves that the hormone therapy worked really well.” With such a positive reaction, I decided to stop worrying about that. Or, at least, I tried to.
It was wonderfully exciting being pregnant. Even though my stomach was more bloated than I’d ever seen it due to the progesterone in my system, and I would have occasional bouts of nausea, it wasn’t so bad. After all, I had just gone through menopause. The first trimester of a pregnancy wasn’t that much different in terms of discomfort. In fact, I hoped to throw up. Research suggested that women who had morning sickness had higher rates of successful pregnancies than women who didn’t. Of course, there are many women who have had successful pregnancies without having to have conversations with the toilet bowl, but I wanted every advantage I could get.
With adenomyosis, my pregnancy was high-risk, not just for the baby but for me too. I looked for every sign I could that things were developing well. I worried when I felt cramps, though that was fairly normal in the first trimester, and then worried when all my dry heaving never led to actually vomiting. I remember reflecting in the app, Glow, where I keep track of all my symptoms, blood pressure, weight, etc., that I worried when my symptoms seemed too strong and then worried when they seemed insufficiently uncomfortable.
During this time, Ben and I went on nightly walks through the park to help combat gassiness and the other discomforts that come with increased progesterone. I also meditated every night before going to bed, trying to send calm and good vibes to the embryo. I even started a lovingkindness meditation group, which involved two other people. We would meditate together, wishing well-being to ourselves and others. I also kept in regular contact with my psychologist, who I had started talking to during the menopause-phase. I was doing my best to remain stress-free and enjoy the days of pregnancy.
At five weeks and 3 days, I went to the hospital for more blood work and an ultrasound. This was a transabdominal ultrasound, which ruled out ectopic pregnancy but didn’t allow the sonographer to see much more. I’m not sure why they didn’t order a transvaginal ultrasound, which would have given a much clearer picture of what was going on. However, I didn’t like transvaginal ultrasounds, so I didn’t complain. My primary concern going in was an ectopic pregnancy, and that was already ruled out. Also, my blood work showed an HCG of 3200+ and a progesterone of 60. These were very good numbers. It was right in the range of where it should be. Not too low, and not very high. Just right in the middle.
I liked being right in the middle.
It was at this point that I started to get excited and hopeful. I told my colleagues that I was pregnant because we were getting ready to start the semester, and I figured morning sickness was just around the corner. It tended to start between weeks 5 and 6. Already people were starting to get suspicious. I didn’t like lying about why I wasn’t feeling well. It felt unnatural. And should this pregnancy not end the way that I hoped, I didn’t want to suffer in silence.
The doctor told me to go back in three weeks for more blood work and another ultrasound. By 8 weeks, I would be able to see the embryo clearly on even a transabdominal ultrasound. For me, the weeks in-between went by slowly.
Every time I went to the bathroom, I would check for blood and always feel a wonderful sense of amazement when I didn’t see any. There is a very special feeling to imagine that a life is now forming inside your body. Glow, the app I mentioned above, showed me a picture of what the embryo looked like each day. I read the related articles several times. I would also read and re-read the heavy hardcover copy of The Pregnancy Encyclopedia that Ben bought for us. I also had several pregnancy-related books on my Kindle.
I read about what I should and shouldn’t eat, what exercises I should avoid (like roller blading) or indulge in (like swimming), and what hormones were causing what symptoms.
During this time, Ben was very busy trying to get accustomed to his new job. I felt like I kept having to remind him that he would be a father soon. Stop worrying about Calculus, and let’s talk about whether we want to live with your parents after the baby comes.
We decided that we wanted to live together, if they were up for it. We also wanted my mom to come as well. We sincerely believed that living together as a family would ultimately bring us more joy, peace, and well-being, even though we knew we wouldn’t always agree. For instance, Ben and his parents didn’t always agree on what constituted good nutrition.
We even talked about moving into a larger place. After all, our two-bedroom apartment wasn’t really designed for 5 adults and a baby. I lamented the idea of moving again since we had just moved this summer, but I figured I wouldn’t have to do much since I’d have just given birth and all. We could pay people to help us move, and I would just focus on nursing the baby.
The other thing that I loved about this pregnancy, was that if it was successful, the baby was due right around my and Ben’s wedding anniversary. I thought it would be just the most amazing wedding anniversary gift ever.
There were so many hopes and dreams tied up in this little embryo I had yet to see, and it still makes me smile to think of it despite the end result.
When we went back for our transabdominal ultrasound at 8weeks and 3 days, I asked if Ben could come into the ultrasound room with me. I told him to record the ultrasound monitor. We were going to see his parents that night to celebrate his mom’s birthday. I was planning to show them the video of the baby and his/her heartbeat. Wouldn’t that be an amazing birthday surprise? Mom and Dad, you’re going to be grandparents! I had looked for onesies and other little baby paraphernalia that said things like, “I love grandma,” in Chinese, but I couldn’t find anything. I wondered if that wasn’t a thing in China. Everything I found was specific to mommy only, and even such clothing was rare.
So, instead of a cute onesie, we bought her a scarf and decided to just show them the video.
We, of course, knew things may not end the way we wanted them to. However, we were hopeful. In fact, in the Didi (China’s Uber) on the way to the hospital, there was a baby car seat. This meant I was a little squished in the middle between Ben and the car seat at the back, but I took it as a good omen.
However, no amount of optimism, prayer, omens, meditation, diet, exercise, and whatever else can make an embryo where there is none.
As the sonographer moved the wand across my stomach, she asked me how far along I was. When I told her about 8 weeks, she said, “Hmmm…” I briefly heard a heartbeat, and I got excited. Was that the baby’s heartbeat? No, it was mine. The sonographer explained that there was a gestational sac, but she couldn’t find an embryo inside.
So, a gestational sac is what keeps the embryo protected and helps make sure it gets the nutrients it needs. Imagine an egg. The embryo would be the yolk, and the gestational sac the egg white.
All I had was egg white. No yolk.
This is called a blighted ovum or a missed abortion. It is the cause of about 50% of miscarriages. I had never heard of it before that day. Apparently, sometimes an egg and a sperm join together but with some sort of chromosomal abnormality. Your body, knowing that this embryo will not develop into a healthy baby does not develop the embryo. However, the gestational sac may continue to develop, and you may believe that the pregnancy is developing just fine. After all, you have no bleeding or other signs of a problem.
The sonographer mentioned that the position of the gestational sac would suggest that a miscarriage would soon occur. What Ben got on the recording was an image of a gestational sac with nothing inside.
There is nothing that can be done about a blighted ovum. Bedrest can’t fix it. Taking hormones can’t fix it. It is a loss. Instead of having a dinner out with Ben’s parents that night, surprising them with the good news of the pregnancy, we were checking into the hospital to medically induce a miscarriage.
**The featured image is from the ultrasound video that Ben took. You can see a circle that represents the egg white, but there’s nothing inside. It still breaks my heart.
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