When my in-laws came to visit the US for the first time, we stayed with my mother for three weeks. During our second week, a friend who had also helped us take photographs at our wedding had a birthday party that included roller-skating followed by dinner. Ben’s parents came with us to the roller rink, but there wasn’t really anything for them to do. So, when my mom was ready to go home, I suggested she take Ben’s parents home with her. At this point, it was getting close to dinner time, and I didn’t know how much longer my friend wanted to skate before eating. So, my in-laws went home with my mother. Ben and I skated and then went out for a late dinner (around 9pm).
When Ben and I finally got home, it is was almost 11pm. We found Ben’s parents up and playing on their phone. We asked them if they had already eaten dinner, expecting that they had. They said no.
Wait, what?
I went upstairs to see if there was any food for them to eat. There was. My mom had already packed it up and put it in the fridge. My mom had expected them to come upstairs for food when they were hungry. She expected that since they had already lived with her for two weeks, had cooked in her kitchen twice, and essentially knew their way around her home, that if they wanted food, they would go get it.
She was wrong. She wasn’t alone, though. Ben and I had thought the same thing. We were all wrong.
I was quite irritated at first. Even after two weeks of living together, they didn’t feel this place was home enough to get themselves some food? Why were they waiting for someone to hand it to them?
You have to keep in mind that up until this point, I had been planning the US wedding while living halfway around the world. I was also primarily responsible for taking care of the visa process for Ben and his parents. Then, after arriving in the US, I had only a few days before the wedding. There was a lot of running around. I got married on a Sunday and had to wake up the next morning to act as tour guide for Ben’s parents. I got up late that morning, so we didn’t get downtown until after lunchtime, and Ben’s dad said, “We have to leave earlier tomorrow. We left too late today.”
Yes, sir. Forgive me while I recover from jet lag and planning a wedding. Were you not the one crying on the couch this morning talking about how beautiful the wedding was? Didn’t you say how I had planned it so well? That takes time and effort. I’m tired. It’s cold. I just want to sleep. Other people go on a honeymoon after a wedding just to recover.
I had no time for that.
I planned all the activities in Atlanta. I did all the driving. I mention this because everyone else was tired too, but they could sleep in the car. I decided where we went, what we ate, or what to cook for dinner. At the same time, I was doing all the planning for the following week’s travel from Atlanta to Philadelphia and back, with stops in Charlotte, Durham, Washington D.C., and New York along the way. Again, I would be doing all the driving. I also booked the hotels, the rental car, and everything else.
And the one night they were left with my mother, they couldn’t manage to find themselves something to eat? How much more did they want meto do? I felt during those three weeks like I suddenly had two children to take care of. The issue was that these two children were able-bodied adults. If I didn’t bring them food, offer them a bed, or tell them what to do, they would just sit in place until they wasted away.
Okay, I know. That’s a little dramatic.
And it was dramatic, but that didn’t change the level of stress I felt. I talked to Ben about it, and I asked him for help. He did what he could, such as getting up and making breakfast. However, there were things that he just couldn’t help with. For instance, he didn’t have a driver’s license, so I had to drive. He didn’t have a credit card, so it was faster for me book the hotels. I was the one making the plan, and for many reasons, the one who had to carry it out.
So, that night I was irritated, but then I could see it from their perspective.
Ben’s parents were waiting to be invited to dinner. They were guests. Guests would not dare to complain of hunger to their host. It would be rude. It would imply that the host had not already offered them enough.
It is expected, at least in my experience in China, that when you have guests, you offer them the best of everything you have, while repeatedly apologizing for its insufficiency. It is the job of the guest to convince the host that they have given enough. For instance, you would not want to finish all the food. Having a little left over is meant to show that the host has offered enough, which means more than you could need.
What kind of guests would they be if they went and asked to be fed? Add to that my mother’s inability to speak Mandarin. Perhaps they felt unsure of how to communicate across linguistic and cultural differences. Perhaps they were afraid of making a mistake.
As much as I felt like I suddenly had two children to take care of, they must have felt incredibly overwhelmed by feeling like children themselves. Ben’s dad said as much when we were on our way back to China. He said, “To tell you the truth, if it were not for the two of you, we would have been completely lost. Since we do not speak English, we just would not have been able to get around by ourselves.”
I could relate to that feeling. What I struggled with most when I first moved to China was the constant state of unknown. I didn’t know what my phone plan was. I couldn’t read the characters at the bus stop. I didn’t know how much things were supposed to cost, or how to pay my bills. If there wasn’t someone giving me food, offering me shelter, and telling me what to do, I may have sat still until I wasted away.
Okay, dramatic. I know.
So, that night Ben and I went upstairs, warmed up the food, and then offered it to them. They ate their dinner, and we all went to bed.
In the next post, I will talk about what happened the first time I went to Ben’s parents. There was a lot more eating involved.
*This post focuses on one intercultural incident from that trip that made me really reflect on my cultural values and beliefs. However, the trip was mostly just fun, and I enjoyed reliving it as I chose photos for the gallery. I want to thank everyone whose wedding gift helped make this trip for four possible, especially those who hosted us along the way. In reality, I didn’t make this trip possible, you all did. 🙂
**The featured image is from the US wedding.
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