When I moved to Shanghai in 2014 to be closer to Ben, we started living together in a rented apartment. Ben’s parents didn’t know this. They knew that Ben had moved out of their home, but he had told them he did this to be closer to work. So, when they wanted to come visit his new place, you can imagine that was a problem. Certainly, if they came to visit, they would notice that I lived there as well.
On the day they came to visit, I was conveniently somewhere else. I had cleaned the apartment to within an inch of its life. Anymore detergent and all-purpose spray, and the whole place would have gone up in chemical fumes. Interestingly, when they came, they didn’t notice that someone else was living there. Of course, Ben did tell them the truth that day. They listened to what he had to say, and then they left, taking with them all the things they had brought for Ben.
They were not pleased.
Upon leaving, Ben offered to walk them to the bus stop. They would not hear of it, so Ben ended up walking several feet behind them, waiting from a distance until they got on the bus home.
This was mid-November.
In December, I went home for the Christmas holiday. Ben’s parents apparently went to Sichuan to visit his mom’s side of the family. While they were there, they complained to one of Ben’s aunts about the situation. Ben would not listen to reason I’m sure they told her. Even though I wasn’t there and hadn’t even met them at that point, I can easily imagine the scene now. I can hear his mom’s voice belaboring the situation. She was particularly unhappy with his choice, though his dad certainly wasn’t excited about it either.
The aunt they were speaking to is only 12 years older than Ben, and she lived with the family for several years, helping to take care of Ben when he was a child. So, Ben’s parents have a lot of love, appreciation, and respect for her. When she said, “Well, why don’t you at least meet her,” they listened.
Just that simple. Being an ally can be just that simple if people choose to speak up. I really thank her for those words. It was the catalyst for the relationship that Ben’s parents and I have now.
So, I get back from the US at the beginning of January and suddenly Ben’s parents want to meet me. It was as if the sun had suddenly started rising in the West or day had suddenly become night. Then again that could just have been the jetlag. I got back to China on Wednesday, and I would be meeting Ben’s parents that Saturday.
Three days is not enough time for me to get over jetlag, but I was afraid to put off the meeting that had taken 18 months for Ben’s parents to agree to. I asked Ben if there were any cultural customs I should know, things I should avoid doing, etc. He said, “Just be yourself!” So, I turned to the internet for answers.
I bought them gifts. I got a sweater for Ben’s mom and tea for Ben’s dad.
When I got to their house, they were very warm and welcoming. They encouraged me to have a seat and immediately started offering me food. There were different snacks and fruit to eat. This was about 3:30 in the afternoon. They turned on the television and told me to relax. Dinner would be ready soon.
Soon? It was only 3:30 in the afternoon.
They went into the kitchen and continued the preparations. Not long after, dish after dish came out of the kitchen until the table was full. At the same time, snack after snack was offered to me. I explained how I wasn’t hungry and how I didn’t want to spoil my appetite for dinner but found myself eating most of what was offered in fear of causing offense.
At 5:00pm, I was far from hungry, but we sat down to start eating. There were so many dishes on the table that I could not quite fit my rice bowl on it, but that was not all. The food kept coming. Ben’s mom or dad would occasionally go back into the kitchen to check on a dish, and once one dish had been finished, they would cook the next one.
In the entire 2.5 hours that I sat at the table eating, I never had enough space for my rice bowl.
There wasn’t just food though. Apparently, Ben’s mom likes to make her own wine. So, we had homemade wine to accompany dinner. This was a big event after all, my meeting the parents. I have no idea what the proof was. I also did not know that unless I stopped Ben’s parents while they were pouring wine in my cup, they would fill it to the brim. This is one of those cultural tips Ben could have told me about. That whole being myself thing made me look like a lush.
At the time, I wasn’t sure why they were pouring so much, and I was afraid that stopping them might be rude. So, I drank what they gave me, and when that glass was finished, they would fill it right back up. I didn’t know then either that an empty glass meant, “I want more, please.”
During this feast, Ben’s parents would ask questions. The conversation would normally go like this: Ben’s dad asks a question in colloquial Mandarin. I would look at Ben in confusion. Ben would rephrase the question in Mandarin I can understand, and I would answer in Mandarin. For instance, Ben’s dad asked me a question about my rank in the family, a question about what number I was. I did not understand. Ben then asked me, “Do you have any siblings?” I said, “I have two siblings.” Then Ben would continue, “Are they older or younger?” I responded, “ I have two older brothers.” Ben’s dad would then say, “So, you’re the youngest.”
Yes, I’m the youngest.
Similar questions about my family and life would go on like this. Ben’s dad asks a question in Mandarin one way. Ben rephrases it Mandarin another way. Then I would answer in Mandarin in, I’m sure, yet another way, and we would communicate.
What was communicated most though was “eat.” Try this. Food was constantly placed on the bowl of rice that was half on the table and half in my hand. I didn’t dare not eat the food Ben’s parents had specifically placed in my bowl. In fact, I was afraid to stop eating at all. I kept my chopsticks in slow motion as I chewed the food because I realized if I rested my hand in any way, it would seem as if I wasn’t eating.
I say this without any sarcasm or exaggeration. I did not stop eating for 2.5 hours straight. I was constantly chewing or drinking something from 5:00pm to 7:30pm that night. This does not include all the snacking that happened before dinner. I had never before then nor have I ever since eaten so much in one sitting.
By the time I got up at 7:30, I was tipsy from Ben’s mom’s homemade wine. I could have fallen asleep standing up, but I managed to make my way over to the couch.
Jetlagged, tipsy, and overdosed on food was not quite the combination I was anticipating on first meeting Ben’s parents. However, they were very forgiving. After 5 minutes on the couch, I fell asleep.
The television watched me.
*Unfortunately, I have no pictures from that trip. The featured image was taken after another feast prepared by Ben’s parents. The photo includes me, Ben, my parents, his parents, and several of Ben’s mom’s relatives, including the woman who made this day all possible by being an ally. She’s the third person from the left. What a beautiful family we make.
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