So, I posted the photos of my baby shower and announcement on Facebook this past week, and I thought people might also like to know what happened at this event. So, here it is.
First, I’m not sure I would have had a baby shower if my friend Denise didn’t decide I should have one. Denise only started working at DKU in November the previous year, but we became fast friends. She being the only black woman in the university’s administration, and I being the only black woman on the university’s faculty, we needed to stick together and support each other. Beyond that, I think I would have liked her anyway. When you live abroad, there are some friends you have that you know you probably would not interact with if you lived back in the States. It was your mutual other-ness and circumstances that brought you together. I would have been Denise’s friend anywhere in the world. She’s gorgeous both inside and out.
It was clear to me that Denis had a lot more experience with baby showers. She asked me when I wanted to have one. I told her it just needed to be before the end of the spring semester as most people traveled during the summer vacation. She then asked me who I wanted to invite. I did some research and weighed the benefits of doing a female-only versus co-ed party, and I ultimately decided to go with co-ed. She also asked me how formal I wanted it to be. I can be very low maintenance at times, so we went for the potluck party style. I was admittedly a little nervous about whether or not there would be enough food and variety, but I think it worked out really well. Also, we got this gorgeous location in Kunshan’s Forest Park for free because of Ben’s connection to the people who work at the organic farm (where we get most of our vegetables).
Besides checking these details, Denise planned the party with Jennifer and Jo, two other female colleagues I would be friends with anywhere. I didn’t have to do much of anything at all. If this party had been left up to me, I can assure you that it would not have happened. My school semester and pregnancy had enough ups and downs to keep me more than occupied.
On the day of the baby shower, I arrived only about 20-minutes before the party start time with the one hot dish I said I would bring. When I walked into the space, I was amazed at how lovely it was. The decorations were tasteful, bright, and green (to go with the whole eco-friendly theme the hosts chose). My favorite part was the sash they gave me that said, “Mommy-to-Be.” Just thinking about it makes me tear-up. Ben also got a pin that read, “Daddy-to-Be.” It was such an honor for us to have the opportunity to become parents. One of the main parts of the baby shower was when we shared our story and how humbled we were to be in that moment on that day. Here’s what we shared. I left in the Chinese, which Ben read. Ben also had a few parts in English. The parts he read in English are underlined. We didn’t translate the Chinese in as much detail as everyone at the party had some English language ability.
First, we would like to thank Denise, Jennifer, and Jo who are the hosts of this party for putting this together!! We’re sure we would not have been able to plan this ourselves in the craziness of this semester. We’d also like to thank those who helped and offered advice, like Olivia and Lingling, and of course, all of you who brought something to our potluck celebration! We couldn’t have had this moment of celebration without all of your contributions, and that really is the theme of the story that I hope you’ll give us about 15 minutes to tell. I will speak in English, and Ben will breifly translate into Chinese.
非常感谢大家今天聚在这里和我们一起分享这个庆祝的时光。
Ben and I got married in 2015, and in 2016, we started talking about having children. We each did our own research about the process. Ben focusing more on nutrition for mom and baby, and me focusing on the ways it would change our marriage and indeed our lives. Once we both agreed we were ready to start trying, we did. But with no luck.
我们2015年结的婚。一年多以后，我们两个人都准备好了要孩子。我们开始尝试，但是却没有结果。
In 2017, we tried traditional Chinese medicine and acupuncture. The TCM doctors told me something was wrong, but it would take a long time to resolve this kind of issue. We also went to Western doctors to have fertility testing done. All tests came back looking promising for both Ben and I, and the doctors told us everything was fine, we just needed to “relax”. However, every unsuccessful month was painful, and I was not sure we would ever be able to have children on our own.
我们去看了中医和西医。中医医生诊断说麦茜有一个需要长期治疗才能解决的问题，而西医医生告诉我们一切都挺正常，我们只是需要放松心情。但是，每一个不成功的月份都是一次打击，麦茜开始怀疑我们是否能够有自己的孩子。
We did a lot of research at this time, looking for possible explanations and exploring all the fertility options available to us. At the beginning of 2018—you might be starting to see how long this journey to parenthood has been for us—I went to see a specialist in endometriosis. I was suspicious I had been suffering from it for over a decade, and if I was right, it would help explain my fertility difficulties. After completing a diagnostic surgery in April that year, we came to learn that I had adenomyosis, which I call the meaner cousin of endometriosis. We finally knew what was causing the problem in our efforts to get pregnant, but the fertility prospects of women with adenomyosis made our dream of having our own children seem even more impossible.
我们查了很多资料，希望找到可能的原因。2018年4月，在接受了一个诊断性的手术以后，麦茜被确诊患有子宫腺肌症。这个症状让我们怀上自己孩子的梦想变得更加暗淡了。
Now, there is only one “cure” for adenomyosis, and that is menopause. You can imagine at 28 that is not very helpful, but human beings have figured out a way to simulate it. So, I went through 4 months of menopause last year, and it was much worse than advertised. Hot flashes, migraines, difficulty sleeping, and Ben can tell you about the mood swings… But at the end of those months, I found myself pregnant!
作为治疗方案，麦茜经历了四个月的诱导性的更年期。更年期综合症远比我们想象中的更严重。但是在疗程结束以后，我们惊喜得发现麦茜怀孕了！
I was so overjoyed, I was so excited, I was so hopeful. I shared the good news with a lot of people early on, but at almost 9-weeks I had to have a medically induced miscarriage. It turns out that the embryo never developed. That loss really broke my heart. Believe it or not, if that story had gone differently, that baby would have been due, well… today.
我们兴奋不已，迫不及待得开始和很多人分享这个好消息。但是在第9周的时候，麦茜流产了，因为胚胎并没有发育。我们的心都碎了。如果那个胚胎发育正常的话，那个孩子的预产期就是今天。
Fortunately, the story doesn’t end there. Three months later, we found ourselves pregnant—again. But this time fear clouded the joy. Morning sickness gave me no energy to celebrate, and this hectic semester gave me little time to reflect on what was happening.
幸运的是，那并不是我们的故事的结局。三个月以后，我们发现麦茜再次怀孕了。但是这一次，心怀欢喜的同时我们不免感到害怕。
So, I know baby showers are normally about gifts, talking about what motherhood is going to be like, and all those things. And that will happen some too. However, this baby shower is really an opportunity for Ben and I to thank all of you who have been on this journey with us, through the ups and downs, for being there. This baby is very much a product of this group of people’s support and kindness—as well as perhaps some fairy dust from the wonderful miracle that is nature and life.
我们要借这次聚会的机会感谢所有和我们一起走过这段旅程的朋友。这是一段充满了大起大伏的旅程。这个孩子可以说是你们所有人的支持和善心的产物，是自然和生命的奇迹。
Your support has been expressed in so many ways. I have lost count of the number of classes my colleagues have covered for me while I was in the hospital, recovering from surgery, or just sick. I remember Austin and Nikki bringing me a chocolate cake to cheer me up after one surgery, and Yu Liang and Xu Fei dropping by to offer me anything I needed. There have been so many times when Don or someone else has held on to me and walked me to my office when I couldn’t walk myself, or they have pushed me there in a rolly chair. Xu Li once just drove me home and offered to sit with me when it felt like my head might explode from a migraine.
And it’s not just Maxi’s colleagues. When I was thinking about coming to work when Maxi was waiting for surgery in the hospital, Tourgeé confronted me seriously, asking me to think through my priorities in life. And because I need to accompany Maxi to the hospital from time to time, I’m not sure how many workshops or tutoring hours Yunqi or Dorothy have had to do alone.
在过去的这段日子里，麦茜的同事们帮她代了数不清的课，在她身体不适时搀扶着她，送她回家，到我们家来照顾她。因为我需要不时得陪麦茜去医院，我的同事也一次次顶替了我的工作。
And even beyond work, we had so much support from people who sat through the pain and listened to our story or read about it via my blog. We received kind notes of our strength and messages that people were praying for us.
在工作以外，也有很多人通过倾听我们的故事或者阅读麦茜的博客来分担我们的痛苦。我们也不时收到满是善意和鼓励的微信消息。
You may not remember every small way that you have helped us be resilient on this journey, but everything you have done for us has been written on our hearts. Whether it’s the time Kevin helped me get some water from the dispenser because I couldn’t bend down to get it myself. The time someone returned my tray at the canteen. A friend pulling me aside to share their own story of miscarriage. Traveling with me all over Suzhou to find maternity pants, or showing us your 3-bedroom apartment because we need to move into a bigger space.
This community has been truly generous to us, and Ben and I want to say thank you. This wonderful gift that we are celebrating has been and will continue to be the culmination of all your support and kindness and that dash of magic from the universe.
你可能已经不记得你帮助我们做过的事情，但是我们都记在心上，你们做的每一件事都让我们在这段不凡的旅途上更加坚强。比如沈叶和慧怡每次约我们见面，总会带给我们各种土产或者手工制作的食物；悦丰岛农场几年来为我们家提供当地当季生产的放心食物，今天更是让我们免费使用这个场所来庆祝我们即将迎来的小生命。这个社区对我们真是无比慷慨，对此，我们衷心得和你们说一声“谢谢”。
When you go on a journey to parenthood like the one Ben and I have been on, you go from thinking about things like, “Do we want our kids to be born in the first half of the year or the second half of the year?” and “Well, I don’t want to go through my third trimester during the heat of the summer.” — You see how well that turned out. You go from all this planning to realizing that you have absolutely no control. You go from parenthood being the next thing on your checklist—get married, have kids, buy a house— to realizing that parenthood would just be a privilege. It’s just a privilege. The Universe owes me nothing. And when you have a day like today, you know, you experience it with the full knowledge that it did not have to happen. That it may not have been.
我们曾经以为要孩子是结婚以后很顺利就会发生的事情，但是我们的经历让我们深切得意识到能够成为父母是一种特权。我们生活的这个宇宙并不欠我们任何东西。我们今天能够聚在这里并不是一定会发生，也可能永远不会发生。
So, if you still don’t know what to get us. Are worried your red envelope isn’t big enough. Or wondering if your gift will be useful. Let me tell you. The fact that we are standing here. In this moment. Celebrating this life. For us… it’s all the gift we need. Anything else is just bonus.
所以，如果你还不知道要给我们准备什么样的礼物，担心你的红包不够丰厚，或者不确定你送的礼物是否会派得上用场。我们想让你知道，仅仅是我们此时此刻聚在这里的这个事实，共同庆祝一个新生命的即将诞生，这是我们所需要的所有礼物。除此以外的任何事情都是意外的收获。
I did not know if ever this day would come. I really did not know if I would ever, ever need a baby shower. But here we are, and we are so truly, truly humbled to have been blessed in this way. We are so eternally grateful for everything this community has done to make this day possible. And we really, just cannot say thank you enough. For what you have done. For what you will do. And for celebrating with us. Thank you.
我们对于这个社区给与我们的帮助满心感恩。我们感谢你已经为我们做的，和将来会为我们做的。感谢你今天在这里和我们一起庆祝，谢谢！
The written words, unfortunately, cannot capture the emotion with which this was read. It does not indicate the places where I broke into tears and had a hard time speaking. It doesn’t express the sincerity of deeply humbled we were to be there in that moment. However, when I was done, a line of people came up to hug Ben and I. Those who didn’t know the full story were in shock; they told us we were strong. Others told us that we would make great parents. One person said that becoming a parent often humbles you and teaches you that you have no control over anything.
We had learned those lessons early.
**The featured image is from the baby shower. For those who do not use Facebook, the photos I shared are below.
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