A Retreat: Facing Contentions with Motherhood

My first academic year as a Bachelor of Science student in Technology and Engineering Science is finished! It’s finished! But we’ll get back to celebrating that toward to the end of this post.

I finished the academic year with a meditation retreat. My classes ended on April 22nd, and the retreat started on the 23rd. I went into the retreat with a few tasks still left to be done for the academic year, but they were things that could wait until the retreat ended.

The very first day of the retreat, Alaya got sick. This would impact my retreat schedule which was meant to include sitting and walking meditations, small group sessions, and a large group session. I had created a space in our small walk-in closet where I could have my sessions privately without worrying about being interrupted by Alaya. And now she was sick, which is the ultimate way she interrupts my plans. Since Bochuan had Finnish classes in-person Monday through Friday, and not being able to send Alaya to daycare, I had to shift things around and Bochuan did too (coming home earlier to relieve me) to make the retreat work.

No week when Alaya is sick is easy or relaxing, even if I have no classes or homework. I had planned naps, getting caught up on sleep! However, Alaya was having difficulty breathing when laying down, so this meant she—we, actually—didn’t sleep well at night, and when she couldn’t go to daycare, I had no chance to nap either. As luck would have it, she’d be napping during the afternoon small group sessions, which I couldn’t reschedule.

On Monday, I was far from feeling any sense of peace or relaxation. I was annoyed. I was very annoyed. I was more annoyed than I could ever remember being with her. It felt as though motherhood had come barging in again. All I was asking for was one week. One week. I had already opted for the at-home retreat to accommodate motherhood. I was allowing for the fact that I’d need to care for and speak to Alaya during the hours when she’d normally be home. And now she was sick, which requires overtime Mommy hours, and did I mention that about two days in, I got sick too?

I want to become a meditation teacher (I know, in my copious spare time), and this retreat is one prerequisite for a teacher training program I’ve been accepted to that starts next February. Another prerequisite is a course I’m currently taking called the Power of Awareness. In this course, one of the tasks asked me to pay attention to my thoughts. What are the top ten tunes that play in my head? As I spent a week paying attention to what thoughts frequently showed up, I realized that one of them was, “Motherhood is a disability.”

Because of motherhood, I can’t be a top student. Because of motherhood, I’m not confident I can excel inwork as a research intern at the university. Because of motherhood, I don’t have time to exercise or engage in much other self-care. Because of motherhood, I can’t go to the school event that starts at 18:00 or get involved in the student choir. I don’t even get enough sleep. Because of motherhood, I’m failing where I’d normally have gotten by, and only getting by where I would have excelled. And the worst part of it? I’m not even doing the Mom job well. If I felt I was an amazing Mom and failed at everything else, at least I’d have an excuse. But I seem to be botching all of it, including being on retreat.

That Monday Alaya was extra needy, likely because she didn’t feel physically well. She was also extra whiny, and the sound of her whining was like nails on a chalkboard. And I put on a meditation from the app Expectful, which is about fostering mindfulness in motherhood particularly, but parenthood in general. It helped. Being in the container of the retreat, having to sit with myself for at least 30 minutes at a time several times a day, listening to other people talk about their experiences was a wonderful opportunity to gain insights into my motherhood journey. A few insights about motherhood for me that week:

1. Alaya’s whining sounds like nails on a chalkboard because I interpret it as “You’re not doing enough. You’re not a good enough Mom.” I spent time that week meditating with the mantra “I am enough.” Why is it important to do this? So, I can make myself feel better? Yes, but that’s not all. When I’m not in distress, I can better respond to Alaya’s needs. When Alaya’s distress signals a similar stress response in me, I am less capable of supporting her. I need to be able to de-personalize her suffering so that I can sit with her in it, instead of tuning out or distracting myself with technology.

2. Motherhood is liberation. I got this from another one of the Expectful meditations, which I started quite skeptically. What had motherhood freed me from? It seemed to me that motherhood was a limitation, not a freedom. As I sat meditating for 30 minutes trying to think of what motherhood had freed me from, I came to realize that the list was actually quite long. Motherhood had freed me from grasping for connection. I didn’t go to events I wasn’t really interested in attending anymore because I was worried about what I’d miss or being left out. Alaya gives me this deep, rooted sense of connection and meaning and purpose that no amount of acquaintanceships could fill. Motherhood has also freed me from many activities that waste my time. Mind you, I will still mindlessly check my email many times a day, but I spend less time on news and social media just doom scrolling because I need to use my time so much more wisely. Alaya is also freeing me from my inhibitions around making noise, taking up space, moving my body in a way that feels good. She reminds me of the joys and purpose of play. She reminds me to return to the present moment so that I can live my life now instead of waiting to live it later when everything is “ideal.” It’s hard to remember at times, but parenthood can be liberation.

3. Alaya is going to be okay, with or without me. Of course, I plan to be there for her, but I think I hold on so tight, afraid that she’ll somehow be ruined if I don’t respond fast enough, often enough, and with a calm, relaxed, “perfect” manner. During one of my meditation sessions, I could hear Alaya crying. Bochuan was with her, but I was wondering if I should go to her. I figured she was ready for a nap, and she would fall asleep faster if I breastfed her. I decided not to go to her, however, and the most beautiful thing happened. Bochuan started singing to her, and she slowly calmed down, and he ultimately rocked her to sleep. I noticed a moment of sadness, though, that they hadn’t needed me, that they had managed without me. I’m the type of person who thrives on being needed. But not knowing the time or place that I’ll leave this world, I felt a deep sense of peace knowing that they’d be okay without me. So, maybe I can take more space for that self-care I’ve been stating I don’t have time for. Maybe it’s okay if I go out to that event. Maybe one day soon I can go away for a meditation retreat.

There were many other insights, but these three were the most powerful around motherhood. So, why did I only have these insights on retreat? I think it’s because normally when I’m starting to feel annoyed or distressed when in my Mom role, I pick up my phone and distract myself. I tune out. I tamp down. I avoid the thoughts and feelings that are arising. During the retreat, I didn’t have those distractions, and I was just faced with the thoughts and ideas that subconsciously impact so much of my behavior.

Since the retreat, I’ve committed to meditating on the bus to campus, and I have noticed so many thoughts and feelings that I normally take into work with me. I think I’m stressed about my summer research internship, and then I realize I’m actually distressed by the fact that Alaya cried when I dropped her off at daycare that morning. Or on another day, my distress came from the fact that my Finnish isn’t where I had hoped it would be by this point. I feel more in-tune with what’s really going on inside me and what my values are, so this doesn’t translate into me trying to fix nonwork-related problems by working harder.

Honestly, I’m just now, as I write this, coming to realize that my mechanism for being a better mother or spouse is to try to do better at work and school. Surely if I manage to publish a few papers in the next couple years, and I manage to sustain a high GPA, then that recognition will make up for any inadequacies I feel as a mom and a wife, right?

Or I could notice those feelings of inadequacy, investigate them, and work directly on those relationships.

But let me write this again because it is so profound to me. Being a better student, researcher, *insert title here* will not make me a better mother, daughter, wife, or friend, only showing up and being present in those relationships and interactions can do that. Can I spend less time complaining, bemoaning, reviewing, ruminating on work, class, etc. and spend more time just listening and being curious about what’s going on in the lives of the people around me?

I had not felt so connected to other human beings as I had during that retreat. I had done this retreat to learn more about myself, and what I learned was that I am not I, this individual. I am we. I don’t know how better to verbalize that, but it was an experience of non-self I had heard spoken of but had never experienced before.

So, that’s what I wanted to share about my insights as they related to motherhood. Now, let’s go back to the celebration. Not only have I managed to complete my first academic year. I’ve also managed to attain 61 credits towards my degree. The goal for the academic year is 60 credits, and I just made it! This is really important because I need 60 credits to qualify for 50% off next year’s tuition. That’s 4,750 euros saved.

The other celebration is that I had a goal of a minimum 2.5 GPA last fall. And all my grades haven’t come in yet, but I already have a 4.25 GPA (again, out of 5, not 4). Based on my research, a GPA of a 4 in Finland is very good, and I didn’t expect to reach that level, especially given that one of the courses I got a 1 in. I also retook that exam a couple weeks ago, and I expect a higher grade in that course once that grade is in. When all grades are in, I am hoping my GPA will continue to go up, partially because I anticipate this fall’s course load will be very difficult with courses in higher-level mathematics, technical documentation and 3-D modeling, thermodynamics, electrical drives, and more.

But it’s summer now, I’ll worry about that later.